12 Steps to Lasting Love

From the Kabbalah Centre: Everyone is looking for love. We all want to find that one lasting love relationship that completely fulfills us. Kabbalah teaches, however, that we do not find or look for love, but rather, we create love.

By using these steps as a tool to create a lasting relationship, you can work towards creating the true union of love that you desire.

 1. CONTINUOUS PROCESS

Once you are in a relationship the real work begins! A true spiritual relationship is a continuous process of work and growth for each person individually and for the couple. A desire to keep pushing to transform yourself and elevate the relationship continuously takes your relationship forward to the next level.

2. BEYOND THE 1% ILLUSION OF THE FIVE SENSES

Kabbalah teaches us that we live in two realities – the 1 Percent realm of the material world and the 99 Percent dimension beyond our five senses. When we meet somebody we are interested in dating, we are immediately attracted to the 1 Percent, to what we see on the outside. Sorry to burst your bubble, but at some point, the attraction is going to turn into work. So look to see if this is someone who has the raw materials to do the work with you.

3. DO NOT LIMIT

Lists. We’ve all had them – I will only be in a relationship with someone who is this, that, and so on and so forth. Kabbalah teaches that the moment we limit ourselves to such a list we close ourselves off to whatever the Light wants to give us. So throw out that list of what you think you want and need in a partner and relationship. Be open to all options because you never know where your partner is going to come from.

4. HIGHER SPIRITUAL GOAL

There are two parts to this step. The first is having your own higher spiritual goal, and the second is having a higher spiritual goal for your relationship. 
Even before entering a relationship it is important for you to know what your mission in the world is. If your mission statement contradicts that of a person you are thinking of being in a relationship with, then it is a good sign that it is not the right relationship for you. Relationships are forces that support your spiritual path and a shared vision of a higher spiritual goal of bringing more Light into the world. Asking how the two of you can make a difference together is a great place to start.

5. BALANCE

We’ve all been there. We’re so in love that we can’t sleep, we can’t eat, we have to spend every waking moment with our significant other, which leads us to neglecting our friends and our hobbies. Guess what? This is a sign that you are not engaging in a spiritual relationship. This kind of relationship does not last because it disconnects you from life. A true union will actually enhance and strengthen all of your other personal relationships as well as your relationship to the world, and in fact, increase the value of your quality of life in every aspect.

6. NO TIME, SPACE, OR MOTION

Your union is a byproduct of each person working towards their own higher spiritual goal and has nothing to do with the amount of time you spend together. Feeling like you must spend every moment together is actually a sign of need. In a true spiritual relationship, there is no void when you are apart because you feel your connection beyond time, space and motion where truly it is the consciousness of the relationship that is the glue. An indication that you are in the right relationship is that you want to be together all the time, but you don’t need to be.

7. NO EXPECTATIONS OR CONDITIONS

The only condition ever for a relationship is that there is movement toward the Light, both individually and as a unit. Any other expectation or condition you place on your partner is coming from ego and stifles the growth of the relationship. It is the ego that wants things a certain way and when we are focusing on our expectations, focusing only on ME is an indication that we are not connected. We stop feeling love in a relationship the minute we stop giving. Period. Not because our partner did or didn’t do something, not because they are not giving as much as we are. The moment we have expectations, we lose control.

8. NO ENTITLEMENT

Having the mentality of “I deserve” indicates you want something for nothing. Coming from a place of entitlement in a relationship means you are not taking responsibility to do your own work. Asking your partner “what have you done for me lately?” makes you a victim. Love is limited if it is just about feeling that you deserve your partner to always be doing something to please you.

9. CONNECTION THAT IS NOT BASED ON FILLING EACH OTHER’S LACKS

We learn in Kabbalah that the only one that can truly fill us up is the Light, never another person. The concept of “you complete me” is detrimental to a true spiritual relationship because when we take away the opportunity of the other person to transform by trying to do the work or fix things for them, we are taking away from the actual value of the relationship.

10. I AM THE CAUSE, NOT THE VICTIM

The list we start keeping in our heads of everything the other person did wrong only starts the moment we stop taking responsibility for our own lives. When we see something wrong in our partner, it is really us that did something wrong because we stopped investing energy in the relationship and started investing it in being a victim instead of the cause. By blaming, you are the one that creates separation.

11. ALWAYS BE GIVING

Kabbalah explains that it is giving that fulfills us, not receiving. Remember how good it felt when you did the perfect act of sharing for another person? That pleasure is greater than the pleasure of receiving. In a spiritual relationship, give for no reason, just like the Light. You will know that you are not truly giving when you start keeping tabs. Check in with yourself to see if you are giving only because you want something in return.

12. PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIPS ARE ALWAYS THE EFFECT, NEVER THE CAUSE

The physical intimacy between two people in a relationship must always be the result of the spiritual work and higher goal of the couple. A spiritual relationship will never grow out of just a physical connection. You will know that you are allowing the physical connection to be the cause of your relationship when you always feel like there’s something missing. The fulfillment comes from the consciousness, not the physicality.


It all comes down to consciousness. Look at a relationship as a vehicle to take you to your next level, remembering that it is a tool for transformation. Ask yourself why you were put together with the other person, and how, through the relationship, you can change yourself and make a difference in the world.

For more on this topic watch Ruthie Rosenberg’s 12 Steps to Lasting Love class on Kabbalah University: Part 1 and Part 2.

Source: livingwisdom.kabbalah.com/12-steps-lasting-love